Where are you?

This would be the sweetest thing I would wanna tell the man who truly makes me understand that love still exist.

The wedding vow:

Because of you my world in now whole.
Because of you, love lives inside my soul.
Because of you I have laughter in my eyes.
Because of you, I'm not longer afraid of goodbyes.
You are my pillar, my stone of strength. 
With me through all seasons and great times of length.
My love for you is pure, boundless through space and time. Stronger with every day with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the alter I will joyously say "I do", for I have it all now, and it's all because of you.



Ps: shoot me! For I'm an hopeless romantic.

Look at me.

Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me. When will my reflection show, who I am inside? I'm at a point of no return, so afraid of getting burned, but I wanna take a chance. Please give me a reason to believe, that everything in this world happens for a concrete reason. Why does it hurt? Who made love this painful? Who made attachments and relationships this hurtful? Who made trust so fragile? I have so many questions running through my mind, but I can't seem to find my reasons. I can't seem to understand why happiness is so distant. When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel? When will I be accepted in this dishonest society? When will I become one of them?

Happiness

Happiness, big word with very small concepts. Happiness is when a baby gives u his biggest toothless grin. Happiness is when u close ur eyes and sing with no anxiety or fear of being judged. Happiness is when you lie on a field watching the beautiful clear blue sky with seriously no thoughts running through ur mind. Happiness is when you can enjoy the sights and sounds of nature with no stressful events running through your mind. Happiness is when god finally enters your heart and purifies ur body and soul. Happiness, big word, small concepts.

Time flies.

Been ages since I last blogged. Well where can I start? Or what can I say? Should I start with how smoking and drinking were my best friends months ago? I turned ugly. I lost myself and sold my soul to the devil. I couldn't even recognize myself. My soul was dirty and filled to the brim with poison. Every single day I was poisoning my body with cigarettes. What was I thinking? using foul words like it was part of my life. I was starting to live other people's rotten lives and I was carrying all their problems on my shoulders.

Today I stand, far away from all those chemicals and further away from all those who brought me there. And I'm proud to say that I have found myself, not the same old me but someone who used to be me. Anyway, who am I? I'm always the one running to carry other people's burdens on my heavy shoulders. Today I don't feel like helping anyone. I don't find a need to over work myself to earn extra to keep everyone around me happy. I guess I have finally learnt that helping everyone doesn't necessarily makes me happy. I'm learning to help myself. And that's progress.

As for my dad. I have finally learned to let go. Memories are bitterly beautiful.

10months ago.

10 months ago I thought everything was going to be okay, but I was wrong. Everything seemed to turn ugly instead. Missing you is not just a thought, it's much deeper than pain itself. Where are you? And why did you have to leave?! Days go by quickly but the pain within remains. I can't sleep in peace anymore. I have constant nightmares of the hospital calling me and telling "pls come down immediately, your father has collapsed, we are resuscitating him now." nightmares are uglier each day. And I can't express it. No one is going to understand. They say, when it's over, IT'S OVER. They lied! It's never over, it's a new beginning to something much more scarier. I'm scared and I'm lonely. Very lonely. I have so many things running through my mind every minute. Most are scary ones. Even after 10months.

Bewafa!

Punjabi

Gal Sun Mere tu mutiyare,
Ki samjhe apne aap nu?
Mere vangaro tu Ki ki kardi,
ae gal bus tu hi jandi,
Menu sufayan pesh na kar,
rab kolo thora jeha durr!!
Sikh ja ke pyar karne de val,
jhoote sang sade ik ik pal.

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu!!

Jado nere mere kol tu hove,
yaadaan vichh door tu khove.
Sanu sadni ae naa oda leke,
tenu pende ode phuleke.
Menu kuch kendi na hun lor,
mera dil torke tu na hun tor,
yaa tere chaida na ho,
saade pyar di nishaniyat tu mor.

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu!!

Mere zindagi’ch kyu tu ayi?
yaari kyu ni tu nibhayi?
Kiti sadi naal bewafayi,
sanu de kuriyee jawaab?
dus de keri gul di,
sanu deriyee sazaaaa??
Rowe gi menu yaad karke,
rowe gi menu yaad karke!!

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu!!

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tuu!!



English


Listen to me darling,
Who/ what do you think you are?
What you do behind my back
Only you know this,
Stop giving me excuses
And be at least a little scared of God,
Go and learn how to truly love someone,
All of our moments together were a lie.

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me

when ever you’re with me,
You get lost in your memories
You sadden me by saying his name,
Your happiness comes from him
I don’t need to say anything now,
You’ve already broken my heart, don’t break it more,
Whether I need you or not,
Give back the significance of out love.

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me

why did you come into my life?
Why didn’t you stand by me?
You betrayed me,
Girl, give me an answer,
Tell me what my mistake was,
That you’ve given me this punishment,
You’re going to remember me and cry,
You’re going to remember me and cry!!

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me

love.

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are :)

-Bruno Mars

Now what?

I dunno wads life driving at. I'm 23 this year, I look at my other girl friends, they are either attached or getting married. I used to be least bothered about all this but I guess it's finally hitting me. When will I meet someone nice and how will life change? I often get panic attacks for no rhyme or reasons this days. I over think a lot! And I freak myself out easily. Am I going mad? I wonder.. Oh yes, I have developed a distinct dislike for private nursing. I just don't feel like working so hard. I have been working like a dog since I have graduated from ITE. I never had a chance to take a break. I just always had countless bills and debts to settle. I used to work so hard to please the people around me. Now I'm questioning myself on why I did all those things. I just don't know. Sutha Akka mentioned that perhaps I should go for a short holiday to unwind and come back with a whole bag of positivity. But where do I go for the money to fund a holiday? What do I do? I'm so confused. How I wish someone will come along and allay all my anxiety. Oh by the way, yesterday was bad. I got reminded of my father's departure. God! I was crying like a baby in the bus back from sutha akka's place. I just miss him so much. Bloody old man! Why did he have to die?! That's still the golden question..isn't it?

Unspeakable.

I still cannot forget the ugly face as she pinned me down and punched me multiple times over the same region. Her selfish and unkind words. All so ungrateful and painful, it still haunts whenever I think of forgiving her. Wounds have healed but the ugly and terrifying sight of her absurd behavior still leaves me wondering how she could have even dared to hit me. All this years of physical and mental labour just to help give her a better life has come to a drastic end. She has proven to be a very selfish person. Never has she once paid for anything I have used. Instead she stayed for free and used me in return. I hate her. From the bottom of my heart I really hate her. She's a ugly stain. And I refuse to forgive her!

i came across this on the internet..

a song about the man i love..hahahaha..


When the mellow moon begins to beam,
Ev'ry night I dream a little dream;
And of course Prince Charming is the theme:
The he for me.
Although I realize as well as you
It is seldom that a dream comes true,
To me it's clear
That he'll appear.
Some day he'll come along,
The man I love;
And he'll be big and strong,
The man I love;
And when he comes my way,
I'll do my best to make him stay.
He'll look at me and smile
I'll understand;
And in a little while
He'll take my hand;
And though it seems absurd,
I know we both won't say a word.
Maybe I shall meet him Sunday,
Maybe Monday, maybe not;
Still I'm sure to meet him one day
Maybe Tuesday
Will be my good news day.
He'll build a little home
Just meant for two;
From which I'll never roam
Who would? Would you?
And so all else above,
I'm waiting for the man I love!

anyway, one day he may appear, THE MAN I LOVE. and he'll LOVE ME MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. the man i love..hahaha.

Grenade by Bruno Mars

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

Just leave me alone.

Lately I can't stop thinking about appa and how negative I have been feeling. I have lost all my positivity. I can't tell anyone due to fear of mockery. I just can't take this. I feel very stressed and upset and lonely and sad and worried and nervous and so many other things. I just can't think straight anymore. I just really wanna be alone. Nobody knows me or understands anything, yet they all have so much to say.
Every thing seems so difficult, someone is constantly making me feel lousy. As much as I try to feel better, I lose myself in the middle and I'm scared of what I'm becoming. help me catch myself.

pictures i took.

random shots of things, colours, people and happiness.

she came back.

U know, every since i got back with pugeynes, i have been doing random things. like playing music at her place and both of us dancing like clowns. hahaha, all the stupid things we used to do when we were in secondary school. we would randomly play some song and start dancing together. suddenly singing so loudly. cooking together, eating and joking about others. gossiping about others and then laughing. painting nails and playing make-up make-up. sharing sad stories and crying our hearts out. talking about how we would wanna be their for each other when she remarry, or when i get married, or when i have kids. talking about guys, love, dating and sex. just being kids all over again. it feels..different. to do this all over again. it feels..nice. something that i can't do with complex priya,  nurul or anyone else. something silly, only pugeynes and i can do together w/o feeling a tinch of regret. somehow, i hope this never ends. see how god plays with our lifes, just to remind us how important the other person is, he takes them away. once we have realised the importance and we have met too many users, he returns them back to us. Its up to us whether if we wanna make amendments or walk away. i'm glad i had the courage to make amendments. :)

I found myself.

well, the best part of today was the fact that i left my bike practical halfway! yes, you heard me right! i left halfway!! and the first person i called was pugeynes. i felt incompetent, lousy, hopeless and useless! can u imagine how much of negativity i was harbouring?! during the practical, all i was thinking about was my surrounding, the people around me (other riders looking at me), what that worthless ragu said (he said i was too heavy to ride a bike and i really had to lose some weight!), and the not-so-motivating instructor (who was talking too loudly to make me feel humiliated!). i TOTALLY forgot to think about myself and my dream! i was stuck living their nightmare. what had happened to me? Where's the courageous girl who resided inside of me? Has she left the building? She is so strong that she hides the fear and moves forward, no matter how tough the going gets! where is she? I called mahendran next and told him what happened. he didn't say a word of discouragement, instead he told that it was just a bad day and i had to focus on what i want and how to achieve it. Everything Pugeynes and Mahen said didn't strike a cord while i was interacting with them. I was stuck in a daze, sitting at the bus stop, looking at each and every passing bike. But now i am feeling so much better. I met Pugeynes and we slacked at her place till the wee hours. Finally when I was leaving (by the way, she and I live one block away from each other!), we sat under the block and I told her exactly what happened. I was amazed with myself, i told her the parts of bike, how to start and move off, where my mistakes were, what i was doing and how it all happened. As i spoke about it, i felt better, she made me feel better, the same way she used to make me feel during our secondary school days. It was like i was reliving my seconday school moments with her, she always being my pillar of strength. Standing up for me if ceremony arises! She taught me how to fight for myself and how to love myself before others. I kind of forgot that feeling. I have forgotten me, myself and i in the process of growing up. Although life has changed dramatically for both of us, we were still the same old kids but forced to live like adults! So many things are running through my mind right now! (time check: 0422hrs 27/11/10) I am finally feeling ambitious, for the right reasons now. After a long time of misjudgement and wrong paths, I have finally found myself. I now need to bring myself home, a place I have been missing all this while.

Director's list.

Why can't I get onto that list? If I aim to get all A in my upcoming exam, I can definitely get on it. I can't waste my time doing useless things. I need to prove it to myself. I actually feel quite useless now. I am a smart girl, but why am I wasting my time? I need to be constantly motivated. I should go home, revise and rest early. I'm going to do this! I can definitely do this! So I can get back on track. WTF have been doing in my life?! I feel stupid with my acts. And I'm not going to sit here and watch others receive the award when actually I'm capable of that too. I have enjoyed too much. Now main goal is Ace papers,& get license!

9/11/1949

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

-my immortal by evanescence.

Happy 61st bday daddy. Tmwr is suppose to be ur bday but look where you are now. I miss you daddy. I just miss you so much. I love you so much daddy. My heart is so heavy. I don't know what I will do tmwr. Where are you appa? Please come back home..

where's me?

where's me in us? i love you mum so much. i love u more than i love myself yet you always hurt me. i guess you r forgetting that i only have you left. i rmbr everything you have done for me, but pls..im growing up now. im a big girl now. i can handle this myself now. pls let me breath.

oi MAHEN!

enna la ithu? all the while i thought this bala thing was a totally ulluthas! hahaha. that poor boy. and poor me. haha..i am not marrying him, pls get that in ur thick skull. hahahahahahaha. anyway, thanks mahen, for randomly trying to get me hitched. thats really sweet. buttttttt....

Hello Tuesday

I'm so tired actually! Having lectures right after lunch is definitely a bad idea. The aircon is just contributing to the sleepy factor. The day so far has been a drag!! Right now I'm blogging, dearest fiezah is eating seaweed, Sindhu is talking crap and the rest are going crazy. The teacher is super boring. School ends at 5 today, going to pay respect to my classmate's grandmother whom has passed on. I intend to buy some flowers. After that I have to meet vani akka to collect a textbook for school.. Hmmm.. Nothing exciting. Just another day in this life.