Now what?

I dunno wads life driving at. I'm 23 this year, I look at my other girl friends, they are either attached or getting married. I used to be least bothered about all this but I guess it's finally hitting me. When will I meet someone nice and how will life change? I often get panic attacks for no rhyme or reasons this days. I over think a lot! And I freak myself out easily. Am I going mad? I wonder.. Oh yes, I have developed a distinct dislike for private nursing. I just don't feel like working so hard. I have been working like a dog since I have graduated from ITE. I never had a chance to take a break. I just always had countless bills and debts to settle. I used to work so hard to please the people around me. Now I'm questioning myself on why I did all those things. I just don't know. Sutha Akka mentioned that perhaps I should go for a short holiday to unwind and come back with a whole bag of positivity. But where do I go for the money to fund a holiday? What do I do? I'm so confused. How I wish someone will come along and allay all my anxiety. Oh by the way, yesterday was bad. I got reminded of my father's departure. God! I was crying like a baby in the bus back from sutha akka's place. I just miss him so much. Bloody old man! Why did he have to die?! That's still the golden question..isn't it?

Unspeakable.

I still cannot forget the ugly face as she pinned me down and punched me multiple times over the same region. Her selfish and unkind words. All so ungrateful and painful, it still haunts whenever I think of forgiving her. Wounds have healed but the ugly and terrifying sight of her absurd behavior still leaves me wondering how she could have even dared to hit me. All this years of physical and mental labour just to help give her a better life has come to a drastic end. She has proven to be a very selfish person. Never has she once paid for anything I have used. Instead she stayed for free and used me in return. I hate her. From the bottom of my heart I really hate her. She's a ugly stain. And I refuse to forgive her!

i came across this on the internet..

a song about the man i love..hahahaha..


When the mellow moon begins to beam,
Ev'ry night I dream a little dream;
And of course Prince Charming is the theme:
The he for me.
Although I realize as well as you
It is seldom that a dream comes true,
To me it's clear
That he'll appear.
Some day he'll come along,
The man I love;
And he'll be big and strong,
The man I love;
And when he comes my way,
I'll do my best to make him stay.
He'll look at me and smile
I'll understand;
And in a little while
He'll take my hand;
And though it seems absurd,
I know we both won't say a word.
Maybe I shall meet him Sunday,
Maybe Monday, maybe not;
Still I'm sure to meet him one day
Maybe Tuesday
Will be my good news day.
He'll build a little home
Just meant for two;
From which I'll never roam
Who would? Would you?
And so all else above,
I'm waiting for the man I love!

anyway, one day he may appear, THE MAN I LOVE. and he'll LOVE ME MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. the man i love..hahaha.

Grenade by Bruno Mars

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

Just leave me alone.

Lately I can't stop thinking about appa and how negative I have been feeling. I have lost all my positivity. I can't tell anyone due to fear of mockery. I just can't take this. I feel very stressed and upset and lonely and sad and worried and nervous and so many other things. I just can't think straight anymore. I just really wanna be alone. Nobody knows me or understands anything, yet they all have so much to say.
Every thing seems so difficult, someone is constantly making me feel lousy. As much as I try to feel better, I lose myself in the middle and I'm scared of what I'm becoming. help me catch myself.

pictures i took.

random shots of things, colours, people and happiness.

she came back.

U know, every since i got back with pugeynes, i have been doing random things. like playing music at her place and both of us dancing like clowns. hahaha, all the stupid things we used to do when we were in secondary school. we would randomly play some song and start dancing together. suddenly singing so loudly. cooking together, eating and joking about others. gossiping about others and then laughing. painting nails and playing make-up make-up. sharing sad stories and crying our hearts out. talking about how we would wanna be their for each other when she remarry, or when i get married, or when i have kids. talking about guys, love, dating and sex. just being kids all over again. it feels..different. to do this all over again. it feels..nice. something that i can't do with complex priya,  nurul or anyone else. something silly, only pugeynes and i can do together w/o feeling a tinch of regret. somehow, i hope this never ends. see how god plays with our lifes, just to remind us how important the other person is, he takes them away. once we have realised the importance and we have met too many users, he returns them back to us. Its up to us whether if we wanna make amendments or walk away. i'm glad i had the courage to make amendments. :)