luv.u.always.

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
but God's always ready, to answer your call.

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips can calm every fear.

Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,
but suddenly vanish at dawns early light.

The Savior is waiting somewhere above,
to give you His grace and send you His love.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
God always sends rainbows, after the rain.

You can't tap your back for a job well done.
You can't hug yourself for comfort.
You can't cry on your shoulders when tears fall.
That's why you have GOD in your life,
so let Him do whatever you can't.

thanks sarah, for this heart warming poem.

God, now it's your turn to take Aatha in ur heavy palms and watch over her like you always did.

the day she left.

17 august 2009, Monday @ 2323hrs my beloved grandmother left us all. She gasped her last 5 breathes very slowly and finally on her last breathe, she opened up her eyes effortlessly and had one good look at us all before she left this world.

18 august 2009, Tuesday. Today was her funeral. i really miss her so much now. i have never felt so much pain at one go in my life. doing her final rights prepared us to let her go. there was so much of tears shed today but i know my grandomther still lives within us. Although now we cant touch or smell her anymore...she's still around. God pls do take care of her.

i grew more attached to my grandmother ever since her last Operation. nursing her, built our bond. a bond so strong that no one could replace or take away. i feel very miserable yet blessed at the same time. i was given a chance to shower her and dress her up for the last time. i really miss u Aatha. i'm feeling so upset with everything. how i still wish this was all a bad dream..

18 august 2009, Tuesday 2015hrs. We came back to Aatha's house after going back for a shower. She now lives behind a glass framed photograph. i saw her framed photo with a oil lamp and her specs that we put on for her before that brought her to mandai crematorium. i can still hear them crying and shouting "govinda govinda.." i really miss her. my heart is so bruised with all that has happened.

and all i want Aatha to know is that "I love you very much and thank you so much for everything Aatha..And Aatha pls don't worry about amma, i will promise to take good care of her."

just a little while more...pls..

Time is running out...

Hang in there Aatha..
I know it hurts..
I can see it all in your eyes..
You have always been our pillar of strength..
All the nagging and shouting back then, seems so distant now..
I will promise to make things better, if you wake up and say something..
Your final departure is taking a toll on us all..
Watching you suffer silently is making me feel numb in the knees..
Vilasini sinama cried today..She really misses you...Amuna sinama too..

"Dear god,

I have finally gathered enough strength to say...PLEASE TAKE CARE HER AWAY FROM ALL THIS SUFFERING. Although I don't know if this is what I want..I still want you to put an end to all of her pain. She deserves something better..But before you take her with you to be with Thatha..Please give my family the strength and courage to face the hurdle of losing a loved one.."


When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living your life, after death..

Every step I take,
every move I make
Every single day,
every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin of the days,
when you went away
What a life to take,
what a bond to break
I'll be missing you....

Aatha, please don't go..

E.O.L

End Of Life they call it. Now aatha's cancer is spreading, she's struggling to stay awake and she has lost all her strength to carry on. Her movements are now minimal. The hospice doctor has stopped all her current medication instead he has started her on Morphine (the happy medicine for cancer patients). She perspires very badly this days. She doesn't wake up to persistent calling. She is just slowly preparing us for her final departure. I don't know how to react to this situation. I can't seem to let go. I sincerely love her from the bottom of my apex. And i'm feeling so miserable. I cry secretly behind my closed doors. I have to appear brave for the others whom are much weaker than me. Today i saw the worries and sorrows filling Vilasini sinama's eyes as she spoke about aatha. Aatha's condition is taking a toll on her too. Our family is shaken, Aatha has always kept us together. She was always there and somehow, we all took her for granted. Now that when she's leaving us all for GOOD or for BAD, we seem to realise the importance of her presence.

How can i tell aatha that i love her and i am grateful for having her?? How am i going to tell her that i'll miss her?? I can't imagine doing her last rights for her..I just can't!

I still remember that LAST SUNDAY we all had with her. Her face, her voice, her touch all still lingers around me. I can't forget the look on her eyes when were all leaving that day. She knew her operation was coming that following Tuesday. She looked helpless, frightened, unsure, sad and lost..but yet she sent us off at the gate smiling.

Why is cancer so selfish? It has taken away so many peoples' happiness.

How i wish all this was a BAD DREAM! I wish i can wake up tomorrow and call Aatha house just to hear her voice over the phone..how i wish.

"Aatha, please don't go.."

oh my...i'll soon be 21!

2 days time i'll be 21..

this 20 years of life has been a roller coaster. there were so many good times, so much of laughter and so much of love in between. though there was hurt and pain along the way, i have learned to understand and let it all go.

when i was a kid, dad used to say i was addicted to "Poove Sempoove", they had to play the song every single night in order for me to sleep. until one night the tape just stopped working..Wahahaha...and he had to sing the song to put me to sleep..each time he mentioned that story, i won't forget the special love and sparkle in his eyes. i love him so much. and surprisingly, that song has an impact on me each time i hear it. i always tend to remember his sparkling eyes. he gave me everything i wanted. though sometimes he couldn't give me what i needed, i still love him.


"poovae semboovae un vaasam varum vaasal en vaasal un poongaavanam vaay paesidum pullaanguzhal needhaanoru poovin madal

(poovae)

nizhal poala naanum nadai poada neeyum thodarginra sondham nedungaala bandham kadal vaanam kooda niram maarak koodum manam konda paasam thadam maaridaadhu naan vaazhum vaazhvae unakkaagaththaanae naal dhoarum nenjil naan aendhum thaenaeennaalum sangeedham sandhoashamae vaay paesidum pullaanguzhal needhaanoru poovin madal

(poovae)

unaippoala naanum oru pillai dhaanaepalar vandhu konjum kilip pillai naanae unaippoala naalum malar soodum penmaividhi ennum noolil vilaiyaadum bommai naan seydha paavam ennoadu poagumnee vaazhndhu nandhaan paarththaalae poadhum ennaalum ennaalum ullaasamae vaay paesidum pullaanguzhal needhanoru poovin madal

(poovae)"

Mum, she was always the hard-headed strong one who gave me only what i needed. she worked very hard to make me the person i am today. talking about it now makes me wanna cry. she loved and cherished me in a very different yet special way. i don't know what life would have been without her, cause there was never a time she left us stranded. even when her world was crumbling, she picked us up and held us through. mum's my pillar of strength.

soon i'll be 21, i just wish to continue being happy, loved and cherished. may more great things come by..

gotta luv urself!!

time now is 12.22am, 12 july 2009. currently at atta's place. Atta's still not doing very well. She's still stuck in a delirium...and it still upsets me. Today we carried her up to the room. With great difficulty we brought her back to her room, and i'm secretly hoping that it will re-generate her thoughts and maybe....just maybe...she'll come back to us..the feeling is just very different now...

well tmrw is Punitha akka's nichiyam (the groom side will come and ask for the bride's hand for marriage), i'm pretty excitied about the whole thing..maybe because i've never seen such a thing before, it's not a regular norm in singapore.

time: 12.29am, sinama is listening to the radio..Atta is still sleeping, Kalsheny is talking about Esu..Sowmia is chatting away too..hahahaha..we are disturbing Atta's peace..

Lately I've been reading alot and i must say, it has been very enlightening. It has opened up my views to many narrow ideas. And reading is very encouraging and self-motivating too. I feel so much better about myself in a lot of aspects. And i must sincerely thank Honeysha for introducing it to me. In any situation, we have to believe and trust ourselves in order to succeed. only we can make ourselves happy, we should never expect someone else to make us happy...it never works. we are our best motivators..i've been trying it out and i must say, it has been working out just fine for me...u should try it too..

i'm randomly missing mahendran. hahaha..loosubai!

haish!

the school week has officially started and i've been running around like a mad dog tryna keep it all together, in school! i had to hand in all the 22 freaking 1000words essay to a VERY ANNOYING lecturer!-i hate her, she's so fake and sickening! sigh!

and God, thank you for blessing me with assholes for group members! i couldn't thank you any lesser! Sometimes i wonder why some people even bother coming to school. They are given such a priority in the poly yet they fail to make full use of the knowledge! FREE LOADERS! they practically wait for someone to do everything for them. It's people like them who make me hate going to school. But yeah, WHATEVER! I'm here to learn and if you are not here for the same reason, please don't waste other peoples time!

I have a theory test tmrw and it's so last minute. the teacher in charge of that particular module is so unreliable! She doesn't know whats going on i suppose. And its a waste that the goverment is paying her cos all she ever wants us to do is GO AND WATCH CBT!

A teacher-a person who teaches or instructs, esp. as a profession; instructor. So please do your work promptly! Its your rice-bowl!

Students will always be students!-
any person who studies, investigates, or examines thoughtfully: a student of human nature.

even though students suck blood, its still the job of an educator to teach!!
i'm sick of self-directed learning!!

tmrw is gonna be a brighter day, i hope!