A week has passed..

been a week since Aatha left us. wounds are still fresh and memories still hurt.
i can't seem to forget that day she left us but i have come to accept it gradually.
She is now at ease and her soul is peaceful. She has not come to any of our dreams.

it feels like it has been so long since she left us. Last week was extremely draining.
Tomorrow is my last exam paper, i have seriously not studied very well for this semester's exams..but i know i will pass, just not so fantastically! I will pick myself up and slap reality in soon..

till then..WHATEVER!

luv.u.always.

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
but God's always ready, to answer your call.

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips can calm every fear.

Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,
but suddenly vanish at dawns early light.

The Savior is waiting somewhere above,
to give you His grace and send you His love.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
God always sends rainbows, after the rain.

You can't tap your back for a job well done.
You can't hug yourself for comfort.
You can't cry on your shoulders when tears fall.
That's why you have GOD in your life,
so let Him do whatever you can't.

thanks sarah, for this heart warming poem.

God, now it's your turn to take Aatha in ur heavy palms and watch over her like you always did.

the day she left.

17 august 2009, Monday @ 2323hrs my beloved grandmother left us all. She gasped her last 5 breathes very slowly and finally on her last breathe, she opened up her eyes effortlessly and had one good look at us all before she left this world.

18 august 2009, Tuesday. Today was her funeral. i really miss her so much now. i have never felt so much pain at one go in my life. doing her final rights prepared us to let her go. there was so much of tears shed today but i know my grandomther still lives within us. Although now we cant touch or smell her anymore...she's still around. God pls do take care of her.

i grew more attached to my grandmother ever since her last Operation. nursing her, built our bond. a bond so strong that no one could replace or take away. i feel very miserable yet blessed at the same time. i was given a chance to shower her and dress her up for the last time. i really miss u Aatha. i'm feeling so upset with everything. how i still wish this was all a bad dream..

18 august 2009, Tuesday 2015hrs. We came back to Aatha's house after going back for a shower. She now lives behind a glass framed photograph. i saw her framed photo with a oil lamp and her specs that we put on for her before that brought her to mandai crematorium. i can still hear them crying and shouting "govinda govinda.." i really miss her. my heart is so bruised with all that has happened.

and all i want Aatha to know is that "I love you very much and thank you so much for everything Aatha..And Aatha pls don't worry about amma, i will promise to take good care of her."

just a little while more...pls..

Time is running out...

Hang in there Aatha..
I know it hurts..
I can see it all in your eyes..
You have always been our pillar of strength..
All the nagging and shouting back then, seems so distant now..
I will promise to make things better, if you wake up and say something..
Your final departure is taking a toll on us all..
Watching you suffer silently is making me feel numb in the knees..
Vilasini sinama cried today..She really misses you...Amuna sinama too..

"Dear god,

I have finally gathered enough strength to say...PLEASE TAKE CARE HER AWAY FROM ALL THIS SUFFERING. Although I don't know if this is what I want..I still want you to put an end to all of her pain. She deserves something better..But before you take her with you to be with Thatha..Please give my family the strength and courage to face the hurdle of losing a loved one.."


When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living your life, after death..

Every step I take,
every move I make
Every single day,
every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin of the days,
when you went away
What a life to take,
what a bond to break
I'll be missing you....

Aatha, please don't go..

E.O.L

End Of Life they call it. Now aatha's cancer is spreading, she's struggling to stay awake and she has lost all her strength to carry on. Her movements are now minimal. The hospice doctor has stopped all her current medication instead he has started her on Morphine (the happy medicine for cancer patients). She perspires very badly this days. She doesn't wake up to persistent calling. She is just slowly preparing us for her final departure. I don't know how to react to this situation. I can't seem to let go. I sincerely love her from the bottom of my apex. And i'm feeling so miserable. I cry secretly behind my closed doors. I have to appear brave for the others whom are much weaker than me. Today i saw the worries and sorrows filling Vilasini sinama's eyes as she spoke about aatha. Aatha's condition is taking a toll on her too. Our family is shaken, Aatha has always kept us together. She was always there and somehow, we all took her for granted. Now that when she's leaving us all for GOOD or for BAD, we seem to realise the importance of her presence.

How can i tell aatha that i love her and i am grateful for having her?? How am i going to tell her that i'll miss her?? I can't imagine doing her last rights for her..I just can't!

I still remember that LAST SUNDAY we all had with her. Her face, her voice, her touch all still lingers around me. I can't forget the look on her eyes when were all leaving that day. She knew her operation was coming that following Tuesday. She looked helpless, frightened, unsure, sad and lost..but yet she sent us off at the gate smiling.

Why is cancer so selfish? It has taken away so many peoples' happiness.

How i wish all this was a BAD DREAM! I wish i can wake up tomorrow and call Aatha house just to hear her voice over the phone..how i wish.

"Aatha, please don't go.."