pictures i took.

random shots of things, colours, people and happiness.

she came back.

U know, every since i got back with pugeynes, i have been doing random things. like playing music at her place and both of us dancing like clowns. hahaha, all the stupid things we used to do when we were in secondary school. we would randomly play some song and start dancing together. suddenly singing so loudly. cooking together, eating and joking about others. gossiping about others and then laughing. painting nails and playing make-up make-up. sharing sad stories and crying our hearts out. talking about how we would wanna be their for each other when she remarry, or when i get married, or when i have kids. talking about guys, love, dating and sex. just being kids all over again. it feels..different. to do this all over again. it feels..nice. something that i can't do with complex priya,  nurul or anyone else. something silly, only pugeynes and i can do together w/o feeling a tinch of regret. somehow, i hope this never ends. see how god plays with our lifes, just to remind us how important the other person is, he takes them away. once we have realised the importance and we have met too many users, he returns them back to us. Its up to us whether if we wanna make amendments or walk away. i'm glad i had the courage to make amendments. :)

I found myself.

well, the best part of today was the fact that i left my bike practical halfway! yes, you heard me right! i left halfway!! and the first person i called was pugeynes. i felt incompetent, lousy, hopeless and useless! can u imagine how much of negativity i was harbouring?! during the practical, all i was thinking about was my surrounding, the people around me (other riders looking at me), what that worthless ragu said (he said i was too heavy to ride a bike and i really had to lose some weight!), and the not-so-motivating instructor (who was talking too loudly to make me feel humiliated!). i TOTALLY forgot to think about myself and my dream! i was stuck living their nightmare. what had happened to me? Where's the courageous girl who resided inside of me? Has she left the building? She is so strong that she hides the fear and moves forward, no matter how tough the going gets! where is she? I called mahendran next and told him what happened. he didn't say a word of discouragement, instead he told that it was just a bad day and i had to focus on what i want and how to achieve it. Everything Pugeynes and Mahen said didn't strike a cord while i was interacting with them. I was stuck in a daze, sitting at the bus stop, looking at each and every passing bike. But now i am feeling so much better. I met Pugeynes and we slacked at her place till the wee hours. Finally when I was leaving (by the way, she and I live one block away from each other!), we sat under the block and I told her exactly what happened. I was amazed with myself, i told her the parts of bike, how to start and move off, where my mistakes were, what i was doing and how it all happened. As i spoke about it, i felt better, she made me feel better, the same way she used to make me feel during our secondary school days. It was like i was reliving my seconday school moments with her, she always being my pillar of strength. Standing up for me if ceremony arises! She taught me how to fight for myself and how to love myself before others. I kind of forgot that feeling. I have forgotten me, myself and i in the process of growing up. Although life has changed dramatically for both of us, we were still the same old kids but forced to live like adults! So many things are running through my mind right now! (time check: 0422hrs 27/11/10) I am finally feeling ambitious, for the right reasons now. After a long time of misjudgement and wrong paths, I have finally found myself. I now need to bring myself home, a place I have been missing all this while.

Director's list.

Why can't I get onto that list? If I aim to get all A in my upcoming exam, I can definitely get on it. I can't waste my time doing useless things. I need to prove it to myself. I actually feel quite useless now. I am a smart girl, but why am I wasting my time? I need to be constantly motivated. I should go home, revise and rest early. I'm going to do this! I can definitely do this! So I can get back on track. WTF have been doing in my life?! I feel stupid with my acts. And I'm not going to sit here and watch others receive the award when actually I'm capable of that too. I have enjoyed too much. Now main goal is Ace papers,& get license!

9/11/1949

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

-my immortal by evanescence.

Happy 61st bday daddy. Tmwr is suppose to be ur bday but look where you are now. I miss you daddy. I just miss you so much. I love you so much daddy. My heart is so heavy. I don't know what I will do tmwr. Where are you appa? Please come back home..

where's me?

where's me in us? i love you mum so much. i love u more than i love myself yet you always hurt me. i guess you r forgetting that i only have you left. i rmbr everything you have done for me, but pls..im growing up now. im a big girl now. i can handle this myself now. pls let me breath.

oi MAHEN!

enna la ithu? all the while i thought this bala thing was a totally ulluthas! hahaha. that poor boy. and poor me. haha..i am not marrying him, pls get that in ur thick skull. hahahahahahaha. anyway, thanks mahen, for randomly trying to get me hitched. thats really sweet. buttttttt....

Hello Tuesday

I'm so tired actually! Having lectures right after lunch is definitely a bad idea. The aircon is just contributing to the sleepy factor. The day so far has been a drag!! Right now I'm blogging, dearest fiezah is eating seaweed, Sindhu is talking crap and the rest are going crazy. The teacher is super boring. School ends at 5 today, going to pay respect to my classmate's grandmother whom has passed on. I intend to buy some flowers. After that I have to meet vani akka to collect a textbook for school.. Hmmm.. Nothing exciting. Just another day in this life.

hey YOU!

hey you, yes you. i'm talking to you! that tall indian guy! you annoying orange! all the best for your exams ok. you can do it. nothing in this world is tougher than our spirit! so be positive yaar. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you. so u better pass you clown! achar? anyway, if i ever hear you talk abt the 7/11 job, i swear i will bite ur left ear off! naayee, study so hard to work in 7/11 isit? all the best ok. rmrb, POSITIVE!!!

dear daddy.

god, why do u give pain together with happiness? wads real and wads not?

i know its a love song but the words are beautiful.

"Kalainthalum megham athu meendhum medhakum
Adhu pola thaaney undhan kadhal ennakum
Nadai padhai vilaka kadhal viluntha uddan nadaipathuku
Nerupalum mudiyath amma nineivugalai allipathuku
Unnakaga kathirrupen oh
Uyirodu paarthirrupen oh "

-miss u daddy so much. with each passing cloud i wonder when we'll meet again. i doubt you'll rmbr me. but i always will daddy. i will always rmbr you. with all my heart and soul. i wanna do thrilling things daddy. something that will make my heart race so quickly. something that will bring thrilling moments, like defying gravity. i have been smoking. not the most proudest thing in my life. -i still rmbr how you say that smoking helps you think. haha. were you seriously kidding? or did you mean it? i miss you daddy, so much. i miss calling you appa. i suddenly feel that the word appa is distant.it hurtss daddy that i cant see you or talk to you anymore. life is not the same anymore. blogging about you burns a hole in my heart. i cant express this feeling to anyone daddy. only you know me best in this whole world. i guess in a way you have cheated me too, just like how pugeynes's daddy cheated her. are yall still friends up there? do send my regards to uncle. and pls tell god that your daughter doesn't want you to be born again. its a torture down here on earth daddy. you dont need this anymore. daddy, i have enrolled myself for class 2b bike license. i'm so thrilled by it. i cant wait to start attending lessons. i'm gonna do this for myself now daddy. i know i can do it. i wanted it so bad for so long. i am looking forward to the day when i'm riding on the road in the cool breeze, at night, just me and myself feeling at ease. finally im doing it. dont worry daddy, i will be safe.as long as you are looking after me. and dont worry daddy, i will still take the car license no matter wad happens. i know you'll say "do whatever you think is right, just rmbr to take the car license too" hahaha. i miss your sense of humor daddy. my dearest old man. i hope you'll get this letter. (at least i can live on with the faith that you did)

:) stay positive. best is yet to be.