Grenade by Bruno Mars

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

Just leave me alone.

Lately I can't stop thinking about appa and how negative I have been feeling. I have lost all my positivity. I can't tell anyone due to fear of mockery. I just can't take this. I feel very stressed and upset and lonely and sad and worried and nervous and so many other things. I just can't think straight anymore. I just really wanna be alone. Nobody knows me or understands anything, yet they all have so much to say.
Every thing seems so difficult, someone is constantly making me feel lousy. As much as I try to feel better, I lose myself in the middle and I'm scared of what I'm becoming. help me catch myself.

pictures i took.

random shots of things, colours, people and happiness.

she came back.

U know, every since i got back with pugeynes, i have been doing random things. like playing music at her place and both of us dancing like clowns. hahaha, all the stupid things we used to do when we were in secondary school. we would randomly play some song and start dancing together. suddenly singing so loudly. cooking together, eating and joking about others. gossiping about others and then laughing. painting nails and playing make-up make-up. sharing sad stories and crying our hearts out. talking about how we would wanna be their for each other when she remarry, or when i get married, or when i have kids. talking about guys, love, dating and sex. just being kids all over again. it feels..different. to do this all over again. it feels..nice. something that i can't do with complex priya,  nurul or anyone else. something silly, only pugeynes and i can do together w/o feeling a tinch of regret. somehow, i hope this never ends. see how god plays with our lifes, just to remind us how important the other person is, he takes them away. once we have realised the importance and we have met too many users, he returns them back to us. Its up to us whether if we wanna make amendments or walk away. i'm glad i had the courage to make amendments. :)

I found myself.

well, the best part of today was the fact that i left my bike practical halfway! yes, you heard me right! i left halfway!! and the first person i called was pugeynes. i felt incompetent, lousy, hopeless and useless! can u imagine how much of negativity i was harbouring?! during the practical, all i was thinking about was my surrounding, the people around me (other riders looking at me), what that worthless ragu said (he said i was too heavy to ride a bike and i really had to lose some weight!), and the not-so-motivating instructor (who was talking too loudly to make me feel humiliated!). i TOTALLY forgot to think about myself and my dream! i was stuck living their nightmare. what had happened to me? Where's the courageous girl who resided inside of me? Has she left the building? She is so strong that she hides the fear and moves forward, no matter how tough the going gets! where is she? I called mahendran next and told him what happened. he didn't say a word of discouragement, instead he told that it was just a bad day and i had to focus on what i want and how to achieve it. Everything Pugeynes and Mahen said didn't strike a cord while i was interacting with them. I was stuck in a daze, sitting at the bus stop, looking at each and every passing bike. But now i am feeling so much better. I met Pugeynes and we slacked at her place till the wee hours. Finally when I was leaving (by the way, she and I live one block away from each other!), we sat under the block and I told her exactly what happened. I was amazed with myself, i told her the parts of bike, how to start and move off, where my mistakes were, what i was doing and how it all happened. As i spoke about it, i felt better, she made me feel better, the same way she used to make me feel during our secondary school days. It was like i was reliving my seconday school moments with her, she always being my pillar of strength. Standing up for me if ceremony arises! She taught me how to fight for myself and how to love myself before others. I kind of forgot that feeling. I have forgotten me, myself and i in the process of growing up. Although life has changed dramatically for both of us, we were still the same old kids but forced to live like adults! So many things are running through my mind right now! (time check: 0422hrs 27/11/10) I am finally feeling ambitious, for the right reasons now. After a long time of misjudgement and wrong paths, I have finally found myself. I now need to bring myself home, a place I have been missing all this while.

Director's list.

Why can't I get onto that list? If I aim to get all A in my upcoming exam, I can definitely get on it. I can't waste my time doing useless things. I need to prove it to myself. I actually feel quite useless now. I am a smart girl, but why am I wasting my time? I need to be constantly motivated. I should go home, revise and rest early. I'm going to do this! I can definitely do this! So I can get back on track. WTF have been doing in my life?! I feel stupid with my acts. And I'm not going to sit here and watch others receive the award when actually I'm capable of that too. I have enjoyed too much. Now main goal is Ace papers,& get license!

9/11/1949

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

-my immortal by evanescence.

Happy 61st bday daddy. Tmwr is suppose to be ur bday but look where you are now. I miss you daddy. I just miss you so much. I love you so much daddy. My heart is so heavy. I don't know what I will do tmwr. Where are you appa? Please come back home..